On Birth and Man

As a novice blogger, one thing I do not fear is ever running out of material. In addition to the world, which provides juicy stories every day, I have my network of friends who generate items as well (I still have in reserve stories about the relaxing vacation Mary is about to embark upon and the story of how Non-Blonde Elle fell into the Potomac after bring a Good Samaritan). For instance, a mere week in Dagwood’s life is filled with volumes of stories. If you are like me, you often wonder how Dagwood painted himself into a corner where he has to forego a Saturday morning basketball game with the guys to watch the kids while Blondie does yoga. But the more stories you hear, the more apparent the reason. For instance, when his wife went into labor with their first child, and was ready to head to the hospital, Dagwood had returned home from some sweat-inducing activity, presumably basketball. He asked Blondie if they could delay the hospital trek until he took a shower. Now we could spend days discussing the flaws in this request, but the most subtle but perhaps yet most poignant one is that it is a given that women after delivering are not in prime glamour mode. Yeah, yeah, there are all those statements about them “glowing” but I think even they would admit that it is rare that a woman has anything approaching a glamorous post-delivery picture moment. Their hair is disheveled, all their glands are in overload including their sweat ones; in short, they mimic the appearance of their husbands in the high school/collegiate years (unwashed, ball cap on head, wearing a sweatshirt, etc.) Digression Point – You know I think there could be a real market for hospitals providing something akin to a spa treatment after delivery. After all the baby is shipped out to be cleaned up, so why not use this time to clean up the mother? If the Jacuzzi has not been used as part of the childbirth process she could soak in it a while and then have her nails and hair done by one of the gift shop personnel now trained in beauty treatments. End Digression Point. So here Dagwood is asking for the opportunity to clean up not realizing that the woman he impregnated and caused to endure the pains of labor will not have such an opportunity. Given this, perhaps he has gotten off lightly with the yoga. And that is even before taking into consideration that on the second delivery, Dagwood was at a luncheon with his cell phone turned off, with Blondie frantically trying to get a hold of him.

Bike to Work Day

Tomorrow is Bike to Work Day so all you bikers please remember to do so so that the highways will be cleared out for my Drive to Work Day.

On Thongs

By now many of you may heard about the “Thong” litigation. If you have not, do a Google Search on it as this Blog is not a news service. Please make sure you do the Google Search at work. At any rate, the “Thong” case is poised to become a seminal case in products liability, a case that will live forever in law school textbooks. In fact, I anticipate this case will make it all the way up to the Supreme Court. I anticipate the oral argument will go something like this:

CJ Roberts: I know a defective thong when I see it and this is not a defective thong (ironically, no one has actually seen the thong in question since the incident since the Plaintiff refuses to produce it).

J. Scalia: I have scoured The Federalist Papers and find no mention of this thing called a “thong”. Therefore, I can find no original intent on this issue. Since the authority of the federal government rests on enumerated powers, this is an issue reserved to state governments.

J. Breyer: Not so fast, Tony. We must identify the prurient interest.

J. Thomas: Normally, I would agree with Tony but I would not mind examining the thong, I mean, the issue some more.

J. Ginsburg: While the antiquated cooling system in this antiquated building generally leads me to go au naturel I do on occasion sport a thong and find them to be quite pliable.

Seriously, though, I think the Plaintiff faces a proof issue. There seem to be a myriad of situations that could lead to a flying object from said thong. For instance, if a guy was assisting in the removal it could have been an inartful removal. Or perhaps they were using it as a Frisbee. Or perhaps the guy thought it was cute for him to try it on. Certainly since strict liability would not likely attach to the thong, Plaintiff would be hard pressed to establish “but for” causation.

All this talk about thongs leads me to raise another pressing issue of our times: women wearing boy shorts. Isn’t it bad enough that women foray into their significant other’s closets and appropriate their clothing? Now there is a whole product segment of “boy shorts” for women. Doesn’t this needlessly invoke troubling memories from high school phys ed classes? When this occurs should the guy start a spontaneous game of dodge ball in the boudoir? And if a guy finds a woman wearing boy shorts attractive is he harboring some homoerotic thoughts?
Finally, a story straight from today’s headlines. A woman was stuck on a mountain ledge with no help in sight. She found a supply line and attached her sports bra to it and waved it. Lo and behold a male ranger found her.

Levees

I read in the paper yesterday that the one levee that broke in Cedar Rapids was one in a "working class, racially diverse" neighborhood. In 2003 it was determined that vital repairs needed to be made to it, but they were never made because lack of federal funds. As we try to rebuild Iraq, a nation with bountiful oil revenue, our infrastructure crumbles. And, of course, we are unwilling to have our tax dollars devoted to this; we would rather take the risk of having bridges collapse and levees break.

A Father's Day Surprise

I stopped by a Subway near my house on Sunday evening to get dinner. When I got ready to pay, the sandwich gal whispered something to the manager. He then asked me if I was a father. I said yes, and then he said the sandwich was free. A pleasant surprise; rare is the day you get something for free.

Quads with Two Moms

Who says reality tv is played out? From Discovery Health comes a show about:

After three unsuccessful years of procedures using Karen's eggs and an anonymous sperm donor, the two women were almost ready to give up. Mentally and financially exhausted, Martha suggested using Martha's eggs, as she was younger than Karen. They also decided to up the odds by implanting two embryos into both moms. Miraculously, their plan worked -- better than expected. Each mom got pregnant … with two babies!

Reading this, my reality tv programming mind started racing [we interrupt this post for a PSA -- I am watching the tribute to Tim Russert and there is something seriously amiss with Maria Shriver's face. I think Kennedys were never meant to live in California]. Imagine the show possibilities: 1) a story on the anonymous sperm donor who kept shooting blanks; 2) based on the geneder breakdown of the kids, we could have a 21st Century Brady Bunch without Mike Brady; 3) all four kids could appear on Tila Tequila: A Shot at Love XXIV; 4) the kids appear on Real World: Brighton; 5) the kids appear on The L World's 25th Season.

I would hate to be . . .

. . . in Rocco Mediate's shoes right now. Well, I guess he would be out of his shoes and in bed (unless he is part of a rare breed that sleeps in their shoes), but he must be enduring a sleepless night (unless he took two Ambien -- in which case he may not wake up until tomorrow afternoon). Tiger's shot was money as was to be expected.

Get Rich Quick!!!

The Blog is in an entrepreneurial mode today. How can the economy be in a slump when there are so many business opportunities out there? For instance, today’s health scare can be tomorrow’s gold mine. This can only mean one thing -- resale of McDonald’s tomatoes. At some point, people will be so craving fresh tomatoes that they will be willing to play Russian roulette with coveted tomatoes. Apparently, California and Florida tomatoes have been cleared by the FDA so how will anyone be able to differentiate between those tomatoes and the McDonald’s ones (even though the former may actually look like tomatoes)? Some contend the taste of a tomato does vary based on state of origin. For instance, the RTD rider evoked Meg Ryan’s famed diner scene from When Harry Met Sally when describing the taste of an Iowa tomato. But I do not think most people would be able to differentiate tomatoes based on their taste, particularly those in Brighton, which will be my test market.

My next possible venture is a facial cream for spas. Now, I know what you are thinking; the market is oversaturated with facial creams. But the magic of the market is that today’s cream is already yesterday’s news. I heard on the news that a New York spa is offering a new cream that contains nightingale droppings. Why should Denver women be denied this revolutionary treatment? Conveniently enough, there is a bird’s nest outside my front door which has been providing an endless supply of “droppings.” So I am going to combine those droppings with Oil of Olay which I shall purchase from Walgreens and distribute it to local spas. Given the fact that birds rarely seem to be constipated, I think I will have a bountiful supply. And while the droppings are not nightingale droppings, once again, I do not think anyone will be able to tell the difference.

Finally, I want to become a local distributor for Spanx. Spanx is a manufacturer of underwear made from a special fabric and crafted in a certain manner to eliminate visible lines. So like the Avon Lady, I will be the Spanx Guy. I suspect that Spanx, already endorsed by Oprah, is about to really hit the big time with its new Bra-llelujah! Product. This product eliminates visible bra lines. I never knew visible bra lines were a problem. Obviously I do not think this market is being fueled by men because I would suspect that men would predominantly prefer either no bra at all or visible bra straps that would serve as a sort of GPS for . . . well, you know. So what is fueling the push to eradicate VBL?

I feel that this issue is of such national importance that we should have the first debate of First Lady candidates moderated by Oprah. For instance, with her Jackie Kennedy Camelot look, one would think that Michelle Obama is fine with VBL, but given her place on the Best Dressed List, perhaps she already is non-VBL. And how about Cindy McCain? VBL may be part of the conservative platform. But hubby John is a moderate, and if you believe the tabloids, his deftness with varying bra straps places him in the Clinton/Spitzer league. So perhaps Cindy likes to challenge him particularly as his eyesight begins to wane. If boxers vs. briefs could be a campaign issue in 1992, VBL could be the defining issue in 2008. In which case, a Spanx distributorship would be golden.

Where is the Blog?

You may be wondering why The Blog has been cy-lent of late; in fact, you are probably cautiously hopeful that the cy-lence will continue. But I am slowly getting back in the flow. I have been having bad migraine headaches of late and my doctor thinks it may be a pain in the neck (I know that is quite ironic since I am usually the pain in the neck). So she put me on these muscle relaxants. Unfortunately it seems to have also relaxed my mind ridding me of my manic writing spells. But slowly and surely, I will get my mojo back. I also noticed when I went to the gym yesterday that weight levels I previously were able to do easily now were suddenly a struggle. I guess muscle relaxants may make it more difficult, but I wonder if it secretly will be a plus since you have to expend more effort to do that weight. I will keep you posted. The good news is that with this medicine I am truly out like a light when I go to sleep at night. Alas, this may preclude my 2 am channel surfing and further limit Blog subjects.

A Bolder Boulder

Given the amount of posts I have made this weekend, one would think that I did nothing but stay at home and blog. Nothing could be further from the truth. Friday night I was at the AILA Dinner until 9 pm, Saturday I was at a church event from 9:00 to 5:00 and Sunday I assisted at my church’s picnic from noon to 3:00. So where did I find the time? Well, at times I multitasked. For instance, yesterday I simultaneously blogged, did work on a Democratic voter database, and watched a movie on tv (I hate to think how accurate my database entries were). But mainly I think it is my inability to sleep or I should say sleep a couple of hours consecutively. Perhaps that explains some of the lunacy of my posts. But again I digress.

A Boulder married couple, Doug and Alice Brown (these names have not been changed to protect the innocent) made love (the Blog always strives to use “PG” words) for 101 days in a row. I will not delve into why they did it; something about maintaining the spark. The key is that they wrote a book about it and got a feature in the Sunday Times. So I challenge my readers to attempt such a streak with their spouses or significant others. I do not need periodic updates, just let me know when you get close and I can start publicizing it on the Blog. In fact, Joe Francis may want to film the monumental act. I will also notify the media as I am sure they would want to cover the record-breaking act. And while I do not need corroborating evidence since Mr. Brown is a reporter for the Denver Post he may ask for it so perhaps you may want to keep video records. I can think of no better way to publicize the Blog, and think how much closer your relationships will become.

This Classy Lady Is a Champ

I did not watch Hillary’s farewell yesterday. I could not as I was at a church event with no TV to be found. In many ways, I am glad I did not, because after my support of her pretty much since the day Bill left the White House, and the last two years of more defined support: telephone calls, donations, etc., it would have been incredibly painful for me to watch; yes, I may have even shed a tear. I can remember the last time I felt this way politically: it was when Edward Kennedy lost the 1980 nomination to Jimmy Carter. I was sad not only about the loss of a chance for America to experience Sen. Kennedy’s leadership, but also of what I felt was an inability to seize on the political opportunity of a disgraced and befuddled GOP. In hindsight, I was right. What should have been at least 8-12 years of Democratic dominance turned into the rise of Reagan and a new Conservatism that still grips the US today. Ironically, Sen. Kennedy did not recognize Sen. Clinton as today’s version of his 1980 candidate. He too became an opportunist in this year of opportunism seeing Sen. Obama as the best way to perpetuate the Kennedy mystique.

Today I read two seminal articles in the NY Times: one a post-mortem on her campaign; the other a reflection on her farewell speech. It is fitting that the Times provided the eulogy to her campaign as it was the one major media organization that endorsed her and despite some blips never removed that endorsement. Some nuggets from the articles mixed with my own commentary:

The beginning of the end was the night of the Indiana/North Carolina primaries. Obama won N.C. early in the night, but delayed results in Indiana precluded a chance for Hillary to claim victory in prime time. By the time the results rolled in, pundits like Tim Russert had already declared the night a victory for Obama even though Indiana was a state in which Hillary’s own internal polls had her lagging 8 points behind a couple of weeks before the primary.

By now the basic outlines of the cancer that destroyed what was once a campaign of inevitability have been laid out. There were jealousies in the various factions of the Clinton camp; Bill’s team never saw eye-to-eye with Hillary’s team; they were overconfident and ill-prepared for the Obama onslaught.

They did finally pull it together but it was too-little-too-late. They won the last three months of the primaries but it was too late to undo their disastrous February.

At the same time many superdelegates abandoned her including those who owed their political careers to the Clintons including Sen. Richardson (an overlooked fact is that the vast majority of Obama’s advisers were second tier advisers in the Clinton Administration. It does not take much to surmise that once they lost the plum jobs in the Clinton campaign they moved on to the Obama campaign. It also does not require a Ph.D in Political Science to figure out that this is the equivalent of half the coaching staff of a team being hired by its rivals. They know all their old team’s weaknesses. And finally I guess Obama realized that the road of change had to go through the Clinton administration?).

Mark Penn has been cast as the villain in the campaign. But let’s not bury him too early. Yes, he was hated by the rest of the Clinton staff and to say he had a disruptive impact on the campaign would be putting it mildly. But he advocated for an initial, aggressive attack on Obama well ahead of Iowa. Bill supported him on this, but advisers like Harold Ickes won out letting Obama build the crucial momentum that would propel him to take Iowa and leave Hillary without funds at the start of 2008 (almost $100 million spent on a third place finish in Iowa). Ickes ironically thought Hillary would do better in Iowa and than New Hampshire. Penn also pushed for more direct attacks on Rev. Wright. Ultimately Hillary was left with no choice but to get more aggressive and it worked; but again, it was too little-too late.

Bill understandably “boiled with resentment” over the free pass the media gave Obama.

Hillary’s aides correctly saw Howard Dean as more supportive of the Obama campaign. As early as April they challenged him to do something about Florida and Michigan but ultimately the Democratic Party failed its voters. The right solution would have been to re-do both primaries. Instead, they chose the most illogical and unfair solution possible, and the one least rooted in the will of the people it supposedly champions. They wanted to avoid the $20-$30 million cost, but the price they paid in alienating not only 18 million Hillary supporters, but the voters in Florida and Michigan may pose a much higher cost.

Bill Clinton has been cast as another villain. But he was apparently frustrated by a new world of internet-based, 24-7 politics. Apparently he does not even use a Blackberry. But he was tireless in his support of Hillary; so much so that when things looked bleakest, he stepped up his efforts to ensure that Hillary got the highest possible popular vote possible if for nothing else, but to position her best for a VP nod. Apparently one of the most moving parts of her speech was her tribute to Bill. Everyone maligns their marriage, and in terms of their purported fidelity to each other, even if we take everything as true, how different is it than the majority of marriages today. It is different in one significant way – there is clearly love there and perhaps they are unable to show it in conventional ways, but it is a strong bond.

When Bill was asked about Obama’s potential learning curve in the office, Bill candidly admitted that he made many mistakes in his first term, mistakes that were borne out of political naïveté. He fears that Obama may suffer the same mistakes (this is my concern because of the challenges the economy and the war pose coupled with the high expectations on him will raise the risk of failure. And at least Bill had experience as a Governor of a state, Obama’s only leadership experience was with the Harvard Law Review; a lofty organization, yes, but to my knowledge it never waged a war or impacted the economy).

Hillary did not quit because she felt she owed it to her supporters to keep going. If there is any doubt as to this sentiment, see the reactions of her supporters yesterday. Plus she kept on winning; why should a candidate who keeps winning have to quit.

But with each victory came something to blunt the momentum. The day after a crushing victory in WV, Edwards endorses Obama. But Elizabeth Edwards who was always by his side was not there for this endorsement. And yes, her absence did speak volumes. She had grown to like Hillary over the course of the campaign and while she understandably had to deny Hillary’s request to formally endorse her, her absence was a virtual endorsement.

Hillary supporters, particularly women, saw the unfairness in how Hillary’s campaign was treated. The President of Emily’s List urged her to push on. One superdelegate who switched to Obama was besieged by protesters calling him a traitor.

She was not even allowed to back out on her own terms. One would think a candidate who secured an unprecedented 18 million votes would have at least been accorded that. But yet party leaders pressured her to drop out ASAP. And she did. Penn urged her to hold out and push for concessions from Obama; she did not hold out; nor did she push for any concessions. Instead she went out with a class; a class she displayed all through the campaign, but a class no one would allow themselves to see.

I hope I am wrong about Obama. I will support him in the main election. We need a Democrat to put America back on track and undo the horrors of the last 8 years. And I hope one day, America rectifies this wrong and elects Hillary President. As I could never understand why a woman or minority would ever vote Republican, I am unable to understand how a woman could not support Hillary, even African-American women. Yes, I know Obama was a minority candidate. But he did not run as an African-American. Until Rev. Wright forced his hand, race did not enter into his campaign. And he could afford to do so because he was only half African-American by blood and appearance, and he spent very little of his pre-collegiate life in the mainland US. He then went to Columbia and Harvard. Hardly the lingering pools of racism. He is not the Rev. Jesse Jackson and he is not the Rev. Al Sharpton. And because he is not, because he does not look like them, sound like them, or advocate the issues they advocate, he is electable. Ironically, the most racism he may face in his life is the upcoming general election.
Hillary showed how much higher the ceiling is for women. The following story is telling of how far women still have to go. Before Memorial Day, a Clinton aide, who I am sure had many pressing issues to deal with, had to go to People Magazine (a magazine with a huge female subscriber base) to try and convince them to that Bill did not say Chelsea “bawled” after Hillary’s Iowa loss. The fact that this is still relevant; that women cannot cry in a man’s realm unless they have previously demonstrated their strength, and even then it is termed “contrived” demonstrates that women still have far to go. As I have said before, those who malign Hillary should think of their daughters or other women in their lives when they make such statements and ask if the criticism is based on the substance of the person Hillary is, or on her gender and her refusal to be anything but a strong woman. A part of me did die yesterday, the part that hoped for a better America. Maybe Obama can still deliver that, and I hope he can. But the most qualified and experienced candidate lost, and not for the right reasons. I hope one day this wrong will be righted.

Incestuous?

I was remote surfing and I happened upon this teen movie, Drive Me Crazy. I got reeled in, not because of the plot which dealt with the popular girl crafting a faux relationship with an outcast to get a guy back. The premise has been done much better in Can’t Buy Me Love and 10 Things I Hate About You (in a somewhat inverted manner). What reeled me in was a young Ali Larter playing a somewhat marginal role, as a redhead, but I do digress. The reason I admit watching this movie was the ending twist – no not the girl and outcast falling for each other – that was preordained in teen movie lore. In this ending, the girl’s mom and outcast’s dad end up getting together, and want to move in together. And the girl and outcast, now in love, seem unphased. They do not think of the incestuous implications if their parents are cohabiting, and perhaps even marrying, while they also date. Granted they are both off to college, but still they will all be living in one house during the summers. This was the exact same scenario that has heretofore prevented the lovelorn parents in Gossip Girl from getting together (although in GG they have consummated their longings, and GG does involve the in-girl and the outcast, but their romance was a traditional one from the start not a faux one). In GG, the daughter actually pled with her mother not to get together with the outcast’s dad and did not intervene when said mother entered into a loveless marriage with a Trump-esque character all to protect her relationship (which at season’s end had ended and finds her now dating her best friend’s ex-boyfriend who the in-girl had hooked up with while her best friend was still dating him). So why does the potentially incestuous scenario cause such concern in GG but not DMC? And is it actually incest? Who says pop culture is meritless when it poses such profound questions? And don’t even get me started about the movie, Clueless, in which the Alicia Silverstone character falls in love with the son from her father’s first marriage.

It's All About the Dance

Many of you have scoffed at my desire to form a world-class dance crew at the ACME Corporation but let your remote do the walking through TV channels today and you will be hard-pressed to avoid some type of dance-related competition. And I am not talking about the individual or partner competitions like So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing With the Stars. I tend to eschew such competitions because it does not fit with my scheme to become the George Balanchine of the corporate dance world (even thought I do not have any training or background whatsoever save for the Arthur Murray Dance School). It also does not provide the opportunity to fuel the different schools of dance that team dance competitions do. Now by team dance competitions, I do not mean cheerleader competitions. While aesthetically pleasing, those are merely gymnastic displays best left to sporting event sidelines. Shows like America’s Best Dance Crew (as we in the business like to call ABDC; note: if you are not in the business do not use this acronym, use the full title) demonstrate not only the popularity of this new subgenre, but also the aforementioned fusion of dance styles with the sonic palette of post-modern modern music. It also allows those nostalgic over Saved by the Bell (before one of the Bell-ers destroyed the innocence by becoming a pole dancer in Showgirls) and N’Sync (before JT’s ego let him think he is this generation’s fusion of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson sans the Neverland persona and before he defiled starlets like Britney, Cameron, Scarlet, Janet and Jessica). Last night the second season of ABDC (remember that is America’s Best Dance Crew for the rest of you) began a mere couple of months after the completion of the widely successful first season. The competition promises to be even fiercer this time, featuring not the bump-n-grind moves of amateurs in da club, but gravity-defying, swan-like moves of skilled dance professionals. So watch ABDC religiously in the next few weeks, and then we can commence the ACME Corporation’s foray into the dance realm. Our team already features an award-winning Irish Step dancer and her mother, a classically trained dancer who sacrificed her dance dreams to head CD&S, a pole climber (not that kind of poles, but telephone poles), a RTD rider, and a former intern who likes to posit a macho appearance but cannot keep from crying at the end of Titanic, Olympic figure skating competitions, the Indy 500, or a Houston Texans season. So until the auditions commence in the Castle Rock Kitchen, practice, practice, practice (I would recommend renting Flashdance, Footloose, and Step Up and Dance I and II).

National Doughnut Day

This surely is one of the greatest culinary creations ever. So indulge all day long!!!!

Maryland, My Maryland

Another hopefully magical part of my blog will be able to take topic suggestions and develop them for integration into the tapestry that is my world of whimsy. Today, Mary told me how her outside counsel had a layover in Maryland. The outside counsel, we will call him “Dagwood” for now so as to give him proper incentive to come up with another alias, has been aiding us (and by us I mean my employer to whom I shall designate the alias “ACME Company”) in litigation against the Maryland Parks Commission. By way of background, I lived in Maryland from 1982 to 1998 with a three year sojourn to NYC for law school. I will not delve into the details of the litigation but let us just say Maryland thinks their parks are more valuable than even what an unearthed Eden would bring in today’s market. And let me, as a former Maryland resident, just play Devil’s Advocate, or in this case, Serpent’s Advocate, and say that between housing developments, roads, soccer fields, and Metro expansion, the green, green grass of parks in Maryland is highly endangered. Mary suggested to Dagwood that he go investigate the park at issue during the layover to see if it is “all that”. I do not know if he did or not, but that is of little relevance to my notion of reality. In my version of “Real World” he did. And in my version of the Real World, it was not a simple inspection. I have always wondered why certain downtown parks in Denver have a midnight curfew. I have a possible theory. I suspect that Dagwood used to pull an Old School/Will Ferell by jogging au naturel in Denver city parks after midnight; hence the need for a curfew. I also think his strange jogging patterns are a combined byproduct of the trauma of an incident involving a tent and the stifling social mores of his neighbors. I will enlist Serena Algeria to keep an eye out and see if Dagwood makes any strange forays after midnight in the direction of Denver city parks. (Editor: I must intervene. This post is going nowhere fast. Not only is it inaccurate it is implausible. While Dagwood may share Will Ferrell’s sense of humor, there is no physical resemblance. Also Blondie would never allow Dagwood to jog in a park at midnight, much less “au naturel”. If this is any indication of future posts, this blog should die a quick death. Surely we have not sacrificed the written word and the oral tradition for dribble like this. But let me just say, Maryland does have nice parks).

Post-H Alternatives?

H for tone users, understandably, will be worried about finding a new quick fix for their abs. I am all for quick fixes; in fact, I was devastated when the FDA failed to approve the new miracle drug Accomplia which causes a user to lose on average 15-20 pounds, and keep it off, without those unsavory side effects. Apparently a few deaths gave the FDA cause for concern. One may try and seek out the doctor and his wife in the UK who performed liposuctions in their basement. But the death of one of their patients probably means they are doing liposuctions in jail with a nail file. I guess there is no alternative to the H; I will keep you posted as to when Walgreens has a sale on it.

The New Ecstasy?

This blog strives to promote the public interest; to that end, I will post occasional items that address matters that may imperil the public interest. The latest threat is Preparation H. Don’t worry hemorrhoid sufferers; the FDA has not released anything stating that the H is harmful. But apparently H is the new ecstasy. Clubbers have been massaging the H on their abs, pecs, and triceps (and maybe even their glutes) to look ripped when they venture into a club. I am not sure if the H works the same magic on muscle tone above the body’s equator, but apparently there may be some health risks. So next time you are at a club and someone offers you the “H” – just say no.

The Blonde Principle

We know blondes have all the fun (or so we are told). But are they seeking to monopolize all the fun? In which case, are they are a cartel more powerful than OPEC? Should the FTC be concerned? These musings arise out of a phenomenon I have come to term, “The Blonde Principle.” The premise is simple – ask a blonde about an attractive non-blonde and you are sure to elicit a dismissive remark of disdain. For instance, apparently two of my blonde co-workers think famed Channel 9 meteorologist, Kathy Sabine, is “not all that.” Now we know that Kathy’s coy facial expressions and occasional Jackie Kennedy (remember Jackie was not Jackie O when she sported her famed suits) suits may annoy some women, but to say she is “not all that” is at best a statement in denial mode, if not somewhat delusional. What is more puzzling is that these comments came from two blondes who had every reason not to be in denial or be delusional and/or dismissive about Ms. Sabine. These blondes, Serena Algeria and T (can you tell I have changed the names to protect the innocent? I also offered them their choice of monikers for my blog – hence T for the T who has yet to pick her blog name; meanwhile Serena might have mistakenly thought I was posing the “If you were a porn star, what name would you have?” question. Even though I doubt many streets are named Algeria. Perhaps she approached the question as “If you were a porn star, who is also on the “watch list,” what name would you have?), both have no reason to be dismissive – they are attractive, so it can’t be jealousy over looks; they are successful, so it can’t be jealousy over that; they are smart, so it can’t be jealousy over Ms. Sabine’s AMS certification. So what drives their reaction? Surely it must be The Blonde Principle, i.e., blondes want monopoly on the attention. Granted I am hardly employing the reasoning of Descartes on this issue, but there is no other objective explanation. Rest assured dear readers, I will continue to search for the answer, but until I find a better one – it would have to be The Blonde Principle.