Keys to Tonight's Debate

Keys to Success

Feign laryngitis
Learn what “feign” means
Read Foreign Policy for Dummies
Read Government for Dummies
Read Dan Quayle autobiography
Practice quote “I have never met Dan Quayle, but I know I am no Dan Quayle.”
Pay Tina Fey to be debate surrogate
Answer every question with a question
Use Chief Justice Roberts as her lifeline
If stumped, say how much she loves Big Hunk Todd.
Exude her Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman jibe
If stumped, try to fire the moderator
Practice quote "There you go again"
Practice quote "I don't know what I am doing here"
If really stumped, say "Live from Nashville, it's Saturday Night Live!!!"

If All Goes Wrong

Say John McCain does not approve of this debate
Ask for a recount
Claim you purchased a set of the "official" PBS Debate Questions across the street, but they ended up being questions for a high school Chemistry test
Throw your camp counselors under the rug
Pretend you thought this was a “Mock” debate
Promise a 50% tax cut for those with incomes of $5 million or more

Keys to Success

Emulate the Swiss
Channel your inner Condoleezza
Wear pink tie
Compliment her on her eyeglasses
Use a trap defense style

Crib Barack's dabate notes
Take a couple Xanax

If you really want to go off-script, talk about the Phillies

Admit Hillary would have been a better choice

If It All Goes Wrong

It Won’t
Quit and let Hillary be VP