We are not stupid. The most plausible scenario for you floating in and out of consciousness and sporting lacerations for what you admit was a minor accident at a low speed is that your injuries occurred prior to your entrance in your car. And unless your dear wife, Elin, carries a golf club around with her at all times either because it reminds her of you or she finds it the modern-day equivalent of the Swiss army knife, the most plausible scenario proffered to date is that she inflicted the injuries on you with said golf club prior to you entering the car. And naturally we will think that the timing of the National Enquirer article and said accident are not coincidental. So if you want us to stop thinking the way we do, give us a more plausible story, or failing that, tell us the truth. And yes, you have an obligation to do so, because a potential crime was involved and public resources were utilized in both the investigation of the accident and the transport to the hospital.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Perky Cups
I, of course, felt duty bound to my loyal readers to go check out the new coffee place in an Aurora strip mall (pardon the pun). Now why would anyone go all the way to Aurora for a cup of java? Well this is the place that taps into the new trend started in a couple of Seattle coffee shops of baristas dressing in bikinis. Perky Cups is the first in the Denver area of what appears to be a franchise.
The place was hard to find even with my navigation. It is literally in the corner of a strip mall. It has replaced an old Peaberrys and the sign for Perky Cups was literally taped over the Peaberry sign. In fact, the first part had fallen off to reveal the “P” in the Peaberry sign.
I ventured in. The decor was passable modern coffee house style albeit a bit spartan. I guess they invest in other things. The pastries seemed store-bought. The coffee machines did appear to be state-of-the-art, however (probably the old Peaberry ones).
The baristas were perky in the sense intended, and very cute, but the customer service was not perky. The cashier asked me what I wanted and I asked what she recommended and she did not seem to like that query. So I quickly ordered a latte macchiato. Even a $1 tip did not seem to change her disposition. The latte itself was clinically-made. No banter between the baristas and the customers. In fact, the baristas seemed absorbed in their own conversations and the making of the coffee seemed to impede that. The conversations were too racy for me to describe here, but suffice to say it was a more adult version of high school gossip.
The latte macchiato was ok. Not worth a trip all the way to Aurora. And unless the customer service improves, I don’t think I will be making a repeat visit. Perky Cups could learn a thing or two from Tilted Kilt as to how to ensure its clientele comes back. Without such lessons learned, Perky Cups is not likely to have a better fate than the Peaberrys.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Hard to Say Goodbye
Have you ever thought of the sheer numbers of people who pass through your life? I am not talking about people you see in the street or in a mall; I am talking about people you have some connection to, no matter how minimal. You find yourself growing attached to these people or you grow attached to these people being part of your lives even if it is just saying hi. One such person was one of the employees of the management company for my complex. She also lived in my building with her boyfriend or husband. She was always very nice and helpful with any issues pertaining to my apartment. One Sunday she attended mass at my church with her boyfriend/husband. I think they were “church shopping” and I convinced them that my church was a great church to make their parish. I would see them periodically at mass. Recently, however, whenever I would see her she was alone. She also started attending mass on her own. And then, a few weeks ago she started attending with an older couple who appeared to be her parents.
Well today I found out she is moving. When I asked her about her move she gave a sad look and said nothing more. There must be some back story to her move and why her boyfriend/husband was no longer around. But I will never know that back story as I will never know the back stories for the hundreds of people I have known in some manner in my life. Their lives may be filled with tragedy or happiness, loneliness or companionship . . . . These details I will never know. But I know they are relevant to how they entered into my life and how they will exit my life.
I will miss her. You want your life filled with kind people who are nice to you. She by no means reached the level of a friend; our interaction was generally limited to brief exchanges of pleasantries or apartment-related matters. But I had grown accustomed to her smile when she said hi.
I always find it hard when people exit my life no matter how limited the connection they may have had to me. I grow attached to baristas, convenience store or deli workers, even the people who clean my office. Recently the woman who cuts my hair unexpectedly left my life. I showed up for my appointment one Friday evening and the salon, which she had owned, was empty. All that was left were the bare walls. I called and left a message but I never heard back. I had just bumped into her the week before at Chucky Cheese. She made no mention of her salon’s demise. This woman had cut my hair for nearly five years. She knew a lot about my life, and I of hers. She had gone through a divorce and so she gave me a lot of advice on that. I had followed her through various salons, even one in Southwest Plaza, until she got her own one in Lone Tree. And then poof, she was gone. Again I will never know the full story. I did find out from the adjacent Caribou Coffee that her salon had been struggling for a while during the recession and that they finally had to close it down.
I will miss her as well, just as I will miss the others who have passed through my life – particularly those who enriched it in some way. It is hard to say goodbye – even to acquaintances.
Friday, November 27, 2009
An Education
Two movies, wholly unrelated, but linked by a thread of a thematic connection. In one, a brilliant student is denied a Public Speaking scholarship because the Professor tells him he needs to go out into the world and learn a point of view. He does, nearly destroying himself along the way, but the education he garners is much more than he would have received in any university.
The other brilliant student, is urged to deny the education of the world for education of books. She refuses this advice and almost destroys herself. Ultimately for her, the education of books is to be her salvation.
I saw both movies today. One, on cable, titled Music Within. The other, in theaters, An Education, is sure to garner much Oscar attention particularly for Carey Mulligan, whose performance renders her not only one of the frontrunners for the Best Actress Oscar but as the rightful heir to Audrey Hepburn.
Ultimately I will provide no judgment on either mode of education. Powerful cases are made for both approaches. I will say, however, that the movies are quite excellent in their own respective ways.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The New Mode of Marriage Proposals?
Marissa, will you marry me? from justin on Vimeo.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Have a Bad Day Day
Today is Have a Bad Day Day, which is the only day that people are encouraged to be rude in the workplace. The day started because people were sick to death of being told to “have a good day” by salespeople. On Have a Bad Day Day, salespeople are given permission to tell their customers just that—have a bad day.
But, really, why should the sales department have all the fun today? There are plenty of people that deserve to be insulted in the workplace—bad bosses, evil coworkers, annoying customers, parking lot attendants, you name it. To help you be more abusive today, here is a compilation of insults that you may (or may not) want to try out in the office. But caveat emptor: Just because you would like to unleash a torrent of abuse in your workplace, doesn’t mean you should. But it’s fun to fantasize—and it won’t put you at risk of job hunting tomorrow.
1. “Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?”
2. “I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.”
3. “Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.”
4. “He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.”
5. “I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you.”
6. “He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear"—but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.”
7. “I don't want you to turn the other cheek—it's just as ugly.”
8. “See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.”
9. “The only squeeze he's concerned with is the one he can give his secretary.”
10. “His definition of mixing business with pleasure is spiking his secretary's drinks.”
11. “The only skill he's ever developed is the art of being obnoxious.”
12. “He's not been himself lately—he's been almost bearable.”
13. "Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege."
14. “As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?”
15. “He's the type of man who doesn't leave anything to your imagination and leaves even less to your patience.”
16. “Anything she hears goes in one ear and out through the telephone.”
17. “Don't you need a license to be that ugly?”
18. “He is living proof that man can live without a brain.”
19. “I bet your mother has a loud bark.”
20. “He's such a liar, you can't even believe him when he says that he's only lying.”
BD at DMV
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Bonus Season
To: Associates
Re: Bonuses 2009
We are pleased to announce that the year-end bonus amount for each associate class is some fraction of the following:
Class of 2008 - a bagel*
Class of 2007 - $100**
Class of 2006 - grab bag
Class of 2005 - one spin on the bonus wheel
Class of 2004 - a kiss on the lips from a senior partner
Class of 2003 - continued health insurance coverage***
Class of 2002 - $30,000****
*Plain only. Cream cheese subject to the discretion of the Managing Partners.
** $100 bonus processing fee applies.
*** "Health insurance coverage" is for entertainment purposes only.
****$30,000 payable in 30,000 annual installments of $1.
Bonuses will be issued at a breakfast on Friday, December 32nd. Food will not be provided. Absent special circumstances (approved by the Managing Partners), an associate must be able to fly in order to be eligible for the bonus. The Firm does not apply any billable hour or similar criteria in determining eligibility for associate bonuses, except for an underlying requirement that in order to be eligible for the bonus, an associate must have billed at least 8,761 hours over the past twelve months. Attorneys who are working part-time will receive a pro-rated portion of the applicable class-level bonus determined by a proprietary formula that spits out the number zero regardless of the inputs.
The Committee bases its compensation decisions on individual achievement, performance, work quality, a touch of whimsy, and compliance with Firm policy. In this round of compensation decisions we took into account time sheet delinquencies, both real and manufactured by our IT department. The Committee reduced compensation by up to 110% for some individuals because they consistently failed to comply with the Firm's time entry policy, requiring that you record your time prior to experiencing it.
Associates in the class of 2006 are eligible for the grab bag. Many of you have had questions about the grab bag; others have had questions about the screaming coming from conference room 35A. We are pleased to inform you that the two issues are very much related: the grab bag, for purposes of this year's bonus distribution, is a large bag filled with associates who were affected by the reduction in force we experienced earlier this year, and have been recaptured by the firm in recent weeks. Associates eligible for the grab bag will have the chance to reach into the bag and remove an ex-associate, who will be yours to keep. You will, of course, be responsible for all incidental costs associated with the ownership of a former associate, including food, clothing, health insurance, and the providing of rewarding professional opportunities. Or, like us, you may choose to withhold from your associate some or all of those benefits. Be careful: in beta tests of the grab bag, we have discovered that the grab bag often grabs back.
Finally, to qualify for a chance at an additional $500 bonus, you may spin the bonus wheel located in the lobby. Any associate in the class of 2008 who chooses to spin the wheel will automatically forfeit his or her bagel. Associates spin the wheel at their own risk. We are not responsible for any injuries caused by the bonus wheel. The bonus wheel contains small parts not suitable for associates with less than three years of law firm experience, and should be spun solely under the strict supervision of a member of the Executive Committee. We reserve the right to substitute any prizes won on the bonus wheel with a bonus of equal or lesser value. Any associate who chooses to spin the bonus wheel will no longer be eligible for a bonus. Any associate who chooses not to spin the bonus wheel will no longer be eligible for a bonus.
Further regulations regarding the issuance of bonuses will be distributed at a later date, and will retroactively apply to bonuses you may have received in the past. All bonuses are subject to clawbacks.
We thank you for your hard work and dedication throughout 2009.
The Partners of the Firm.
To Spanx or Not to Spanx
Before Jessica Kraus put on a tight-fitting frock one recent evening, she wriggled into a $76 piece of flesh-toned underwear that extended from the bottom of her bra to mid-thigh. She felt confident and svelte as she left her apartment to meet friends for cocktails.
Then a few hours later, the 25-year-old Boston event planner was faced with what she says was a "horrific situation." As she was embracing a man she had met that night, Ms. Kraus got to thinking about what lurked beneath her sleek exterior.
"There's no graceful way of taking the thing off," she says.
Sales of "shapewear"—undergarments for women who want a flawless, bulge-free silhouette while wearing tight clothes—have taken off since 2000. That's when Oprah Winfrey declared a brand called Spanx, with its bright packaging and product names like Bod-a-Bing! and Hide & Sleek, one of her "favorite things." The size of the market has tripled over that time, to $750 million in annual sales through the end of 2008, according to market-research firm NPD Group.
As one of the stars of the TV drama series "Melrose Place" said in a recent episode: "Perfection is as easy as a good pushup bra and some Spanx."
But the practicalities of actually wearing the undergarments are somewhat more complicated.
Brittany Bohn, 27, a lawyer in Chicago, locked herself in the bathroom at a local bar to wriggle out of what she calls a "girdle/long-underwear contraption" that was rolling down her rib cage and making her bulges look bigger than they actually are.
A History of Undergarments
From whalebone corsets of the 1500s to today's Spanx undergarments, here's a look at women's shapewear through the ages.
So what's driving sales of these garments? "It's like this competitive thing we have with other women," says Mary Pantier, a 40-year-old yoga instructor in Erie, Colo., who accidentally flashed her Spanx, worn under her workout ensemble, while in a downward-dog pose in class.
Ms. Pantier's husband, Hank, 35, doesn't get it. "If you stuff five pounds into a two-pound container, it doesn't make the five pounds smaller. It just makes it stranger-looking and uncomfortable," says Mr. Pantier, who has told his wife she feels "like a tire" in Spanx.
Then there's the bathroom issue. The garments, which can be difficult to remove, often come with a "double gusset" opening that wearers say can be hard to negotiate. Last summer, in response to a deluge of emails citing mortifying experiences, a shapewear maker called Yummie Tummie decided to sponsor a "tell us your shapewear nightmares" competition.
The winner, who received a style consultation and $500 to spend on clothes, was 31-year-old New York college student Amanda Davis, whose story involved a bodysuit so tight that it pressed on her bladder. As she ran to the bathroom at her school, she debated, "Do I squeeze out of the Spanx or do I try to pee through the crotchless thingy?" After soaking herself, she had to skip class and go home to change.
Body-shapers have long played a supporting role in fashion trends. The great-grandmother of shapewear, the corset, was "the most controversial garment in the history of fashion," says Valerie Steele, director and chief curator at the Museum at the Fashion Institute of Technology, who wrote a book about the rigid, uncomfortable garment. The more-flexible girdle grew popular in the early 20th century, eventually becoming a key component of Christian Dior's nipped-waist "New Look," unveiled in 1947. Control-top pantyhose replaced girdles when women began heading to the gym en masse in the 1970s.
Then, in 1998, an office copy-machine saleswoman named Sara Blakely cut the feet off a pair of sheer control-top pantyhose so she could wear cream-colored pants to a party. Two years later, she founded Spanx, which became a staple red-carpet undergarment for already-slim celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Jessica Alba.
Douglas B. Jones
"What's the point of spending £500 on a dress if you don't have a straight tummy?" asks 26-year-old Frances Kinloch, who works at an investment bank in London and wears Spanx with everything except jeans. The problem is "you do look a bit like a granny in them," admits Ms. Kinloch, who removes her Spanx in the bathroom and spirits it away into her handbag when she's on a hot date.
High-end designer Roland Mouret has railed against Spanx, calling the process of secretly slipping out of the undergarments "sad."
Shapewear manufacturers are responding to consumers' concerns by trying to boost the aesthetic appeal of their utilitarian undergarments. This year, Spanx introduced an upscale collection called Haute Contour, with items like a lace thong with waist reinforcements that comes in colors like pink. "I said, 'Let's make it beautiful ... like shapewear in disguise,' " Ms. Blakely says.
Lingerie designer Bruno Schiavi launched a line in 2007 called Dr. Rey's Shapewear in collaboration with Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Robert Rey. Sold at Sears and on the HSN cable network, it features bodysuits and waist cinchers in bold prints like leopard and—arriving in stores later this season—snakeskin. "I always thought shapewear was so boring," says Mr. Schiavi.
Other companies are developing apparel with built-in body shapewear. A brand called Not Your Daughter's Jeans features a patented "Lift & Tuck" technology that the company says will make wearers drop a size, and is also introducing shaper tops in V- and cowl-neck styles in bright colors that are intended to be worn as a regular shirt. Yummie Tummie (tagline: "Show it off") has become known for its shapewear-camisole hybrids, which can be worn alone or peeking out from a blazer.
"I wanted to break down these barriers, so that you don't have to be confined to a sea of embarrassing bottoms," says Heather Thomson, founder of Yummie Tummie. It plans to begin selling a line of shapewear dresses early next year.
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