Bonus Season

Hilarious faux memo from the Anonymous Law Blog:


To: Associates
Re: Bonuses 2009
We are pleased to announce that the year-end bonus amount for each associate class is some fraction of the following:
Class of 2008 - a bagel*
Class of 2007 - $100**
Class of 2006 - grab bag
Class of 2005 - one spin on the bonus wheel
Class of 2004 - a kiss on the lips from a senior partner
Class of 2003 - continued health insurance coverage***
Class of 2002 - $30,000****
*Plain only. Cream cheese subject to the discretion of the Managing Partners.
** $100 bonus processing fee applies.
*** "Health insurance coverage" is for entertainment purposes only.
****$30,000 payable in 30,000 annual installments of $1.

Bonuses will be issued at a breakfast on Friday, December 32nd. Food will not be provided. Absent special circumstances (approved by the Managing Partners), an associate must be able to fly in order to be eligible for the bonus. The Firm does not apply any billable hour or similar criteria in determining eligibility for associate bonuses, except for an underlying requirement that in order to be eligible for the bonus, an associate must have billed at least 8,761 hours over the past twelve months. Attorneys who are working part-time will receive a pro-rated portion of the applicable class-level bonus determined by a proprietary formula that spits out the number zero regardless of the inputs.

The Committee bases its compensation decisions on individual achievement, performance, work quality, a touch of whimsy, and compliance with Firm policy. In this round of compensation decisions we took into account time sheet delinquencies, both real and manufactured by our IT department. The Committee reduced compensation by up to 110% for some individuals because they consistently failed to comply with the Firm's time entry policy, requiring that you record your time prior to experiencing it.

Associates in the class of 2006 are eligible for the grab bag. Many of you have had questions about the grab bag; others have had questions about the screaming coming from conference room 35A. We are pleased to inform you that the two issues are very much related: the grab bag, for purposes of this year's bonus distribution, is a large bag filled with associates who were affected by the reduction in force we experienced earlier this year, and have been recaptured by the firm in recent weeks. Associates eligible for the grab bag will have the chance to reach into the bag and remove an ex-associate, who will be yours to keep. You will, of course, be responsible for all incidental costs associated with the ownership of a former associate, including food, clothing, health insurance, and the providing of rewarding professional opportunities. Or, like us, you may choose to withhold from your associate some or all of those benefits. Be careful: in beta tests of the grab bag, we have discovered that the grab bag often grabs back.

Finally, to qualify for a chance at an additional $500 bonus, you may spin the bonus wheel located in the lobby. Any associate in the class of 2008 who chooses to spin the wheel will automatically forfeit his or her bagel. Associates spin the wheel at their own risk. We are not responsible for any injuries caused by the bonus wheel. The bonus wheel contains small parts not suitable for associates with less than three years of law firm experience, and should be spun solely under the strict supervision of a member of the Executive Committee. We reserve the right to substitute any prizes won on the bonus wheel with a bonus of equal or lesser value. Any associate who chooses to spin the bonus wheel will no longer be eligible for a bonus. Any associate who chooses not to spin the bonus wheel will no longer be eligible for a bonus.

Further regulations regarding the issuance of bonuses will be distributed at a later date, and will retroactively apply to bonuses you may have received in the past. All bonuses are subject to clawbacks.

We thank you for your hard work and dedication throughout 2009.
The Partners of the Firm.