An Innocent Man

A rash of false accusations has been taking place at the ACME Law Department and, unfortunately, most (ok, all) have been directed at yours truly. Admittedly I do have a history of being a prankster in the ACME offices such as placing a NKOTB poster in the cube of Beautiful Disaster, or putting a dirty Target bag in the otherwise immaculately clean office of Anderson Cooper, or sending flowers to a male co-worker with a note saying “Meet me in the lobby” and then racing down to see his reaction when no one showed up (but he played a trick on me so it was deserved). But in yesterday’s cases, the accusations were undeserved. First, someone left a package of beef ramen noodles on Penelope’s desk. Then, someone threw a half-filled Starbucks cup in RTD Rider’s recycling bin. And finally someone put a pink “Anderson” name tag on Anderson Cooper’s door. I, however, am blameless in all the incidents. In regard to the first one, I have not purchased, or otherwise had in my possession, ramen noodles of any kind since college over 20 years ago. Plus Penelope is a vegetarian, and has been for years, so it would be beyond belief (albeit highly amusing) if she chose to end that with the processed beef in beef ramen noodles. In regard to the Starbucks cup, yes, I am a Starbucks addict, and yes I do deposit my cups in Beautiful Disaster’s cube, but with her knowledge and consent (you see, they took away our trash cans and replaced them with recycling bins and you can’t put cups with liquid in the bins since the trash must be dry. BD, however, was aware of the stealth removal of the trash cans and hid hers so she is one of the lucky few who still have one. And lastly, I have not been near Anderson Cooper’s office in weeks. I have been cleared on one incident. Buckeye admitted that he took the ramen noodles from the kitchen and put in on Penelope’s desk. But the two other charges remain out there. Once the perps are apprehended, I expect a full, and public, apology from all who rendered false accusations against me.