Communication at the Cutting Edge

In an attempt to match the “text messaging” method of disclosure for major political announcements, Sen. McCain’s campaign informed the media that his VP choice will be announced via smoke signals. In a prepared statement, Sen. McCain said “I do not get why they call cell phones wireless. Everyone I know who uses those contraptions still has to plug them in before they work. Smoke signals are truly wireless; no plugs in sight.” Campaign aide, Joe Rove, was tasked with implementing this “cutting edge” mode of communication. The problem has been finding someone to generate the correct signals. One signal expert seemed to have a political agenda, because he signaled, “When I am President, I will give the Native Americans all their land back.” Another, with a more comic agenda, generated signals indicating the new VP would be “Estelle Getty.” Sen. McCain said she may be useful in capturing some of the older female voting bloc that had previously opted for Hillary. Apparently, Sen. McCain was unaware that Estelle Getty is now the late Estelle Getty.

Forget the Text Message

By now you would have heard who Obama’s VP nominee will be, and CNN confirmed from “Democratic Party sources” that it will be Sen. Biden. This news was leaked far before any text message so I hope you all are on unlimited text messaging to spare you the cost of what is now a spam text message. If Obama really wanted to maintain the suspense, he should have made his choice a la The Bachelor, i.e., invite Biden and Bayh to a rose garden with one rose in his hand, and tell Bayh that he enjoyed their time together especially the overnight and that he is sure that “Bayh will make someone an excellent VP-mate one day.” Then he could call Biden and say “you complete me – let us go then you and I” and hand him the rose.

McCain Still Has Not Found What He Is Looking For

Sen. John McCain spent a frustrating evening trying to find his wife. His wife has sent him a seductive email stating, “How about some afternoon delight? Meet me in the master bedroom.” Of course, since Sen. McCain is Blackberry-challenged an aide had to relay his message. He immediately left campaign headquarters foregoing his afternoon nap. He went to McCain House No. 1, but Cindy McCain was nowhere to be found. Same with McCain House No. 2, and McCain House No. 3. At that point, Sen. McCain was in a quandary; he had learned yesterday that he had seven houses, but had no clue where the other four were. Sen. McCain asked his staff for the locations and then tasked LOST (“Law Students for McCain”) to go on reconnaissance missions. Sen. McCain stated that this is as a big a challenge as trying to navigate the Mekong Delta, but he said “the reward at the end of the journey will be worth it.”

Obama Poised to Make a Fateful Decision

Sen. Barack Obama, and his wife, are poised to make one of the most significant decisions of their lifetime. It is a decision that may have ramifications for years to come. They are poised to pick a new . . . laundry detergent. Sen. Obama said, “Michelle and I have been both dissatisfied with our current detergent.” He added, “we need something with more zest and something that will diversify and intensify our own natural scent while at the same time not providing much of a distraction.” The detergents have been thoroughly vetted including use on challenging cleaning scenarios such as an unwashed t-shirt worn by a campaign intern for 30 consecutive days, an undershirt worn by the Senator during a day that took him through the humid south, and delicates designed by Michelle Obama herself. The campaign has been characteristically mum on the source, only stating that the big reveal will be made at a Laundromat in Hyde Park where Sen. Obama used to wash his clothes when he was a community organizer. Reporters were resigned to scouring local supermarket shelves to see which detergents have been purchased. Stay tuned to Curling Today for updates on the story.

Surprising Development on Eve of DNC

In a surprising development, former Vice President Al Gore threw his hat into the ring for the Democratic Party’s Presidential nominee. Mr. Gore explained the dilatory nature of his entry as a result of waiting for a groundswell of Democrats to urge him to jump into the race. This groundswell never materialized, however. Mr. Gore said, “I thought for sure after I snagged that Peace Prize that people would push me to run; after all even Bill never won a Peace Prize.” Mr. Gore said he developed his strategy from the “hard-to-get” approach his wife, Tipper, used when they were courtin’. He noted, “she made me wait five years after we first started dating to get married, and then preached abstinence for the first three years of our marriage. That is where I learned that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.” But it did not work out that way with the electorate. Gore also sought to preemptively snag Joe Lieberman as his proposed Vice Presidential nominee noting the bond they developed in the 2000 campaign. In fact, Mr. Gore said he was a bit jealous of the bond Lieberman and Sen. McCain seem to share. Mr. Gore lamented, “I have some silver hair too and I can also recklessly threaten to invade any country that crosses me.” Sen. Lieberman said something to the effect of “there will be a Palestinian state before I hitch my wagon to Gore again!”

Obama Makes VP Pick

Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL), the presumptive Democratic Party nominee for President, has finally revealed his Vice Presidential choice. Making a surprise appearance on The Oprah Show, he stunned the audience and Oprah by getting on one knee and asking Oprah, “Will you be my VP?” Oprah quickly recovered from the shock, and said “Yes, yes!!!” She then said you had me at “Will,” “you complete my resume,” “I just can’t quit you, Hussein” and “I held out on Steadman for you.” Michelle Obama, initially fearing that her hubby was going all FLDS on her, quickly brightened up at the thought of a threesome. Oprah’s buddy, Gail, quickly piped in, “I know what you are thinking girl, and get it out of your mind; there is no “Three” in “Foursome”). Sen. Obama lauded Oprah’s Book Club choices and her ability to brush off any crisis as the basis of his selection.

LOST Spoiler

Curling Today can exclusively reveal the following LOST scoop.

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The LOST team (“Law Students for McCain”) have discovered that Jack’s great-great-grandfather is ………………….. their beloved candidate, Sen. McCain.