You might as well face it, you're addicted to . . . SEX

The news that David Duchovny has entered rehab for sex addiction begs the question of what is sex addiction? Surely it must be a Hollywood code word for infidelity addiction because no one ever talks about one being addicted to their spouse or significant other. The sad thing is the victim is Tea Leoni, who genuinely seems to be one of the nicest people in Hollywood and is mother of their two children. One wonders what the cure for sex addiction is save for the Lorena Bobbit method.

A Conversion

In a conversion nearly as miraculous as Rev. Ted Haggerty’s therapeutic discovery of his heterosexuality, Joe Rove has become Joe Obama. Joe was so inspired by the Barack Obama acceptance speech at Invesco that he said:

At this moment, in this election, I must pledge to march into the future. I will keep that promise - that American promise - and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the hope that we confess. I now know eight is enough; No Way, No How, No McCain.

What this means for LOST is uncertain, but there is the hope that LOST may be FOUND.

My Night with Barack

I had no expectation of attending Barack Obama’s speech last night. When I volunteered for events for both the Obama campaign and the DNCC, I did it merely to support my party not to garner a lucrative ticket. So when the call came at 4:30 yesterday afternoon asking me if I wanted a ticket, I was stunned; but, of course, I said yes. So I commenced what would turn out to be a two hour journey to get that lucrative ticket. The coordinator had told me to pick up the credential at Lot F at Invesco. I had to quickly research how to get to Invesco given all the restrictions. And then my guardian angel, Barb, offered me a ride to Union Station. There I was greeted by lines numbering 30-40 people at the ticket machines, and the line was moving glacially. But amazingly, the RTD personnel said the machines were “full” so to just get on the train. That I did. The train bypassed the Invesco stop despite the RTD website saying it would not. So I end up at Auraria leaving me with a trek to get to Lot F on the other side of Mile High. With numerous roads closed, my trip to Federal took forever as I had to go in the opposite direction of the snaking lines. Finally, I reach Lot F and call my contact (I was to greet him and use a secret code word), but no answer. After about five calls, I get a text message telling me I need to be at Lot F – in the Pepsi Center. There was no way I could retrace my steps and make it in time, so after about five minutes I am able to snag a cab. I get there as the last shuttle is to leave, embarking with a fellow volunteer and some members of the press. But from there it was smooth sailing. We were shuttled on a tour bus, which ironically ran across the Obama motorcade. We were dropped off at a special entrance and had no wait in the security line. Apparently it took people 2-4 hours to get in. We enter and go to Section 121 where our seats are. It turns out we are in row 5, right behind the stage, and adjacent to the field. We see Biden and Stevie Wonder up close in the crowd. And then we witness a speech for the ages, a speech that invoked, emulated, and advanced the speech that preceded it 45 years ago. It sold me. And the trip back was not that bad only taking just over an hour on the light rail. It truly was a magical night.

Communication at the Cutting Edge

In an attempt to match the “text messaging” method of disclosure for major political announcements, Sen. McCain’s campaign informed the media that his VP choice will be announced via smoke signals. In a prepared statement, Sen. McCain said “I do not get why they call cell phones wireless. Everyone I know who uses those contraptions still has to plug them in before they work. Smoke signals are truly wireless; no plugs in sight.” Campaign aide, Joe Rove, was tasked with implementing this “cutting edge” mode of communication. The problem has been finding someone to generate the correct signals. One signal expert seemed to have a political agenda, because he signaled, “When I am President, I will give the Native Americans all their land back.” Another, with a more comic agenda, generated signals indicating the new VP would be “Estelle Getty.” Sen. McCain said she may be useful in capturing some of the older female voting bloc that had previously opted for Hillary. Apparently, Sen. McCain was unaware that Estelle Getty is now the late Estelle Getty.

Forget the Text Message

By now you would have heard who Obama’s VP nominee will be, and CNN confirmed from “Democratic Party sources” that it will be Sen. Biden. This news was leaked far before any text message so I hope you all are on unlimited text messaging to spare you the cost of what is now a spam text message. If Obama really wanted to maintain the suspense, he should have made his choice a la The Bachelor, i.e., invite Biden and Bayh to a rose garden with one rose in his hand, and tell Bayh that he enjoyed their time together especially the overnight and that he is sure that “Bayh will make someone an excellent VP-mate one day.” Then he could call Biden and say “you complete me – let us go then you and I” and hand him the rose.

McCain Still Has Not Found What He Is Looking For

Sen. John McCain spent a frustrating evening trying to find his wife. His wife has sent him a seductive email stating, “How about some afternoon delight? Meet me in the master bedroom.” Of course, since Sen. McCain is Blackberry-challenged an aide had to relay his message. He immediately left campaign headquarters foregoing his afternoon nap. He went to McCain House No. 1, but Cindy McCain was nowhere to be found. Same with McCain House No. 2, and McCain House No. 3. At that point, Sen. McCain was in a quandary; he had learned yesterday that he had seven houses, but had no clue where the other four were. Sen. McCain asked his staff for the locations and then tasked LOST (“Law Students for McCain”) to go on reconnaissance missions. Sen. McCain stated that this is as a big a challenge as trying to navigate the Mekong Delta, but he said “the reward at the end of the journey will be worth it.”

Obama Poised to Make a Fateful Decision

Sen. Barack Obama, and his wife, are poised to make one of the most significant decisions of their lifetime. It is a decision that may have ramifications for years to come. They are poised to pick a new . . . laundry detergent. Sen. Obama said, “Michelle and I have been both dissatisfied with our current detergent.” He added, “we need something with more zest and something that will diversify and intensify our own natural scent while at the same time not providing much of a distraction.” The detergents have been thoroughly vetted including use on challenging cleaning scenarios such as an unwashed t-shirt worn by a campaign intern for 30 consecutive days, an undershirt worn by the Senator during a day that took him through the humid south, and delicates designed by Michelle Obama herself. The campaign has been characteristically mum on the source, only stating that the big reveal will be made at a Laundromat in Hyde Park where Sen. Obama used to wash his clothes when he was a community organizer. Reporters were resigned to scouring local supermarket shelves to see which detergents have been purchased. Stay tuned to Curling Today for updates on the story.