On Tiaras

One of the clubs in LoDo is having a “Tiara Night” (a Kevlar Night might be more apt). Before we bemoan the further decay of civilization represented by such an event or fear a return to the “Greed is Good” 80s, let us think of the many positives of such a night. Obviously the tiara industry must be very happy. There are potential synergies with “My SuperSweet 16.” It is a fashion-forward statement as opposed to baseball caps sported by non-baseball playing individuals. It may put us on a course to a constitutional monarchy so that we too can follow the trials and tribulations of a dysfunctional royal family (for instance, The Hogans would make for a grand royal line as would The Osbournes or Reverend Run’s family). But most importantly, our beauty queens need practice. For the past two years, our Miss Universe contestants have fallen onstage. Forget Iraq, gas prices, mortgage crisis – this is perhaps the biggest challenge facing our nation today. We need our beauty queens to remain perpendicular with the floor; it is much easier for judges to view them that way. And who knows, perhaps we can get back on the winning track and restock the supply of women for John Mayer and Lance Armstrong to date.