You might as well face it, you're addicted to . . . SEX

The news that David Duchovny has entered rehab for sex addiction begs the question of what is sex addiction? Surely it must be a Hollywood code word for infidelity addiction because no one ever talks about one being addicted to their spouse or significant other. The sad thing is the victim is Tea Leoni, who genuinely seems to be one of the nicest people in Hollywood and is mother of their two children. One wonders what the cure for sex addiction is save for the Lorena Bobbit method.

A Conversion

In a conversion nearly as miraculous as Rev. Ted Haggerty’s therapeutic discovery of his heterosexuality, Joe Rove has become Joe Obama. Joe was so inspired by the Barack Obama acceptance speech at Invesco that he said:

At this moment, in this election, I must pledge to march into the future. I will keep that promise - that American promise - and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the hope that we confess. I now know eight is enough; No Way, No How, No McCain.

What this means for LOST is uncertain, but there is the hope that LOST may be FOUND.

My Night with Barack

I had no expectation of attending Barack Obama’s speech last night. When I volunteered for events for both the Obama campaign and the DNCC, I did it merely to support my party not to garner a lucrative ticket. So when the call came at 4:30 yesterday afternoon asking me if I wanted a ticket, I was stunned; but, of course, I said yes. So I commenced what would turn out to be a two hour journey to get that lucrative ticket. The coordinator had told me to pick up the credential at Lot F at Invesco. I had to quickly research how to get to Invesco given all the restrictions. And then my guardian angel, Barb, offered me a ride to Union Station. There I was greeted by lines numbering 30-40 people at the ticket machines, and the line was moving glacially. But amazingly, the RTD personnel said the machines were “full” so to just get on the train. That I did. The train bypassed the Invesco stop despite the RTD website saying it would not. So I end up at Auraria leaving me with a trek to get to Lot F on the other side of Mile High. With numerous roads closed, my trip to Federal took forever as I had to go in the opposite direction of the snaking lines. Finally, I reach Lot F and call my contact (I was to greet him and use a secret code word), but no answer. After about five calls, I get a text message telling me I need to be at Lot F – in the Pepsi Center. There was no way I could retrace my steps and make it in time, so after about five minutes I am able to snag a cab. I get there as the last shuttle is to leave, embarking with a fellow volunteer and some members of the press. But from there it was smooth sailing. We were shuttled on a tour bus, which ironically ran across the Obama motorcade. We were dropped off at a special entrance and had no wait in the security line. Apparently it took people 2-4 hours to get in. We enter and go to Section 121 where our seats are. It turns out we are in row 5, right behind the stage, and adjacent to the field. We see Biden and Stevie Wonder up close in the crowd. And then we witness a speech for the ages, a speech that invoked, emulated, and advanced the speech that preceded it 45 years ago. It sold me. And the trip back was not that bad only taking just over an hour on the light rail. It truly was a magical night.

Communication at the Cutting Edge

In an attempt to match the “text messaging” method of disclosure for major political announcements, Sen. McCain’s campaign informed the media that his VP choice will be announced via smoke signals. In a prepared statement, Sen. McCain said “I do not get why they call cell phones wireless. Everyone I know who uses those contraptions still has to plug them in before they work. Smoke signals are truly wireless; no plugs in sight.” Campaign aide, Joe Rove, was tasked with implementing this “cutting edge” mode of communication. The problem has been finding someone to generate the correct signals. One signal expert seemed to have a political agenda, because he signaled, “When I am President, I will give the Native Americans all their land back.” Another, with a more comic agenda, generated signals indicating the new VP would be “Estelle Getty.” Sen. McCain said she may be useful in capturing some of the older female voting bloc that had previously opted for Hillary. Apparently, Sen. McCain was unaware that Estelle Getty is now the late Estelle Getty.

Forget the Text Message

By now you would have heard who Obama’s VP nominee will be, and CNN confirmed from “Democratic Party sources” that it will be Sen. Biden. This news was leaked far before any text message so I hope you all are on unlimited text messaging to spare you the cost of what is now a spam text message. If Obama really wanted to maintain the suspense, he should have made his choice a la The Bachelor, i.e., invite Biden and Bayh to a rose garden with one rose in his hand, and tell Bayh that he enjoyed their time together especially the overnight and that he is sure that “Bayh will make someone an excellent VP-mate one day.” Then he could call Biden and say “you complete me – let us go then you and I” and hand him the rose.

McCain Still Has Not Found What He Is Looking For

Sen. John McCain spent a frustrating evening trying to find his wife. His wife has sent him a seductive email stating, “How about some afternoon delight? Meet me in the master bedroom.” Of course, since Sen. McCain is Blackberry-challenged an aide had to relay his message. He immediately left campaign headquarters foregoing his afternoon nap. He went to McCain House No. 1, but Cindy McCain was nowhere to be found. Same with McCain House No. 2, and McCain House No. 3. At that point, Sen. McCain was in a quandary; he had learned yesterday that he had seven houses, but had no clue where the other four were. Sen. McCain asked his staff for the locations and then tasked LOST (“Law Students for McCain”) to go on reconnaissance missions. Sen. McCain stated that this is as a big a challenge as trying to navigate the Mekong Delta, but he said “the reward at the end of the journey will be worth it.”

Obama Poised to Make a Fateful Decision

Sen. Barack Obama, and his wife, are poised to make one of the most significant decisions of their lifetime. It is a decision that may have ramifications for years to come. They are poised to pick a new . . . laundry detergent. Sen. Obama said, “Michelle and I have been both dissatisfied with our current detergent.” He added, “we need something with more zest and something that will diversify and intensify our own natural scent while at the same time not providing much of a distraction.” The detergents have been thoroughly vetted including use on challenging cleaning scenarios such as an unwashed t-shirt worn by a campaign intern for 30 consecutive days, an undershirt worn by the Senator during a day that took him through the humid south, and delicates designed by Michelle Obama herself. The campaign has been characteristically mum on the source, only stating that the big reveal will be made at a Laundromat in Hyde Park where Sen. Obama used to wash his clothes when he was a community organizer. Reporters were resigned to scouring local supermarket shelves to see which detergents have been purchased. Stay tuned to Curling Today for updates on the story.

Surprising Development on Eve of DNC

In a surprising development, former Vice President Al Gore threw his hat into the ring for the Democratic Party’s Presidential nominee. Mr. Gore explained the dilatory nature of his entry as a result of waiting for a groundswell of Democrats to urge him to jump into the race. This groundswell never materialized, however. Mr. Gore said, “I thought for sure after I snagged that Peace Prize that people would push me to run; after all even Bill never won a Peace Prize.” Mr. Gore said he developed his strategy from the “hard-to-get” approach his wife, Tipper, used when they were courtin’. He noted, “she made me wait five years after we first started dating to get married, and then preached abstinence for the first three years of our marriage. That is where I learned that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.” But it did not work out that way with the electorate. Gore also sought to preemptively snag Joe Lieberman as his proposed Vice Presidential nominee noting the bond they developed in the 2000 campaign. In fact, Mr. Gore said he was a bit jealous of the bond Lieberman and Sen. McCain seem to share. Mr. Gore lamented, “I have some silver hair too and I can also recklessly threaten to invade any country that crosses me.” Sen. Lieberman said something to the effect of “there will be a Palestinian state before I hitch my wagon to Gore again!”

Obama Makes VP Pick

Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL), the presumptive Democratic Party nominee for President, has finally revealed his Vice Presidential choice. Making a surprise appearance on The Oprah Show, he stunned the audience and Oprah by getting on one knee and asking Oprah, “Will you be my VP?” Oprah quickly recovered from the shock, and said “Yes, yes!!!” She then said you had me at “Will,” “you complete my resume,” “I just can’t quit you, Hussein” and “I held out on Steadman for you.” Michelle Obama, initially fearing that her hubby was going all FLDS on her, quickly brightened up at the thought of a threesome. Oprah’s buddy, Gail, quickly piped in, “I know what you are thinking girl, and get it out of your mind; there is no “Three” in “Foursome”). Sen. Obama lauded Oprah’s Book Club choices and her ability to brush off any crisis as the basis of his selection.

LOST Spoiler

Curling Today can exclusively reveal the following LOST scoop.

******** SPOILER ALERT***********













***********SPOILER ALERT*************

The LOST team (“Law Students for McCain”) have discovered that Jack’s great-great-grandfather is ………………….. their beloved candidate, Sen. McCain.

Nightswimming

I doubt any of you know this, but I used to be a huge fan of Beverly Hills 90210, and before you think me a total loon for that, you should know that when I attended Columbia, the heart of journalism academia, they used to have a weekly column on the show. And any reader of The Sports Guy knows his love of the show. At any rate, when the character Brandon Walsh left the show, his exit was to the song, “Nightswimming” by R.E.M. An already poignant song became the soundtrack of departures and farewells. You may wonder where this is leading, and, yes, it is probably not a smart idea to blog after a few Tanqueray and Tonics (once you have Tanquerayed you never Bombay), but I am referring to the sad farewells we had to make to our interns. They were a fun group and kept me laughing, just like last year’s group did (you see I never play favorites). This is always a sad time of the year as a certain youthful spirit, or in the case of Joe, delusional spirit, leaves the building. I hate goodbyes; a trait I have passed on to my son who grows sullen whenever he last to say goodbye to anyone for an extended period of time. But when Monday returns, and hopefully for me it does not include an Idaho dawn, I will return to bugging the usual suspects – so watch out Beautiful Disaster, Serena Algeria, Dagwood, and RTD Rider – you will all be back on the Blog’s radar screen.

Nightswimming

I doubt any of you know this, but I used to be a huge fan of Beverly Hills 90210, and before you think me a total loon for that, you should know that when I attended Columbia, the heart of journalism academia, they used to have a weekly column on the show. And any reader of The Sports Guy knows his love of the show. At any rate, when the character Brandon Walsh left the show, his exit was to the song, “Nightswimming” by R.E.M. An already poignant song became the soundtrack of departures and farewells. You may wonder where this is leading, and, yes, it is probably not a smart idea to blog after a few Tanqueray and Tonics (once you have Tanquerayed you never Bombay), but I am referring to the sad farewells we had to make to our interns. They were a fun group and kept me laughing, just like last year’s group did (you see I never play favorites). This is always a sad time of the year as a certain youthful spirit, or in the case of Joe, delusional spirit, leaves the building. I hate goodbyes; a trait I have passed on to my son who grows sullen whenever he last to say goodbye to anyone for an extended period of time. But when Monday returns, and hopefully for me it does not include an Idaho dawn, I will return to bugging the usual suspects – so watch out Beautiful Disaster, Serena Algeria, Dagwood, and RTD Rider – you will all be back on the Blog’s radar screen.

Law Students for McCain Stand by their Man

The Law Students for McCain a/k/a “LOST” have scored two significant successes in their relatively nascent history. The first success pertains to its Get Out the Vote effort for McCain’s core constituency, i.e., octogenarians and above. One 88 year old woman said that while she doubts that she will vote given those “new fangled machines” the LOST representative who contacted her did teach her how to program her VCR. She said for years she had asked every person who called, including that “kind person who sold me $400 of yearly subscriptions to magazines like Tiger Beat and Sassy,” how to program it, but no one could. But the LOST member succeeded. The woman said she will no longer have to bug her grandson to come over to tape a program for her. The second success was more of an internal organization nature, as a LOST rep taught Senator McCain how to get past the set-up screen on his Blackberry.

Sometimes pictures just speak for themselves

Al Admits to Another Affair

Al Gore, likely feeling that the distractions of the Olympics and conventions have made it prime politician confession time, has admitted that he has had an ongoing torrid love affair with himself. The affair has lasted for over 50 of his 60 years on this planet, but really rose to new heights during the past two decades. He said, “I invented the Internet, won the popular vote for the Presidency, and am about to save the world, I cannot imagine a better soulmate than myself.” He has not admitted the affair to Tipper, but figures she suspects. She has been busy with bailing Al Jr. out of his many “issues” (on a related note, Al has petitioned a Tennessee court to rename Al Jr. so that the “Al Gore” name will not be tarnished). Al stated that he has tried to end the affair on numerous occasions, but, as he lamented, “I just can’t quit myself.”

Olympic Reflections from a Gold Medal-winning Blogger

Watch for records to fall in swimming as the aquatic center is specially designed to maximize speed and the unbearable lightness of being.

Kudos to the Chinese for perhaps the most artistic Opening Ceremony ever which the Blog viewed in a Chinese restaurant in Lone Tree. The ACME Dance Crew will be recreating some of the dance routines in the Castle Rock Kitchen throughout the week.

As a Gold-medal winning blogger, the Blog understands the continual pressure on the athletes to perform. So when you see someone miss a dive or botch a landing that a 7 yr old gymnast could have hit, be kind.

Al Gore Admits Affair

As exclusively revealed by the Blog, Al Gore has admitted to having an affair with a Hummer. He used to secretly drive the Hummer around the varied terrain of his vast Tennessee estate. He also admitting kidnapping a bunch of men who were recreating Confederate battles and chasing them around his property in the aforementioned Hummer. He said it gave him a taste of the thrill of being Commander-in-Chief that he was denied eight years ago. He did admit his affair to his Prius, but kept silent on it to the press, until the crack reporting team of Curling Today uncovered the story and threatened to take it public. When asked why he did something so foolish, he said he considers himself to be a huge star, much bigger than John Edwards, and much more narcissistic, so he felt the urge to Hummer-ize. He feared losing his friends like Bono, Sting, and Leonardo so he kept his secret to himself.

Law Students for McCain Spring Into Action

The McCain Campaign today announced the formation of a team that they feel will turn the tide in the election. The Law Students for McCain, headed by the Non-Blonde Elle and Joe Rove, officially commenced operations today. The “Law Studs” as they are called will be focusing on such crucial electoral issues as whether Mrs. McCain’s compelled entry into the Miss Sturgis contest by her husband can serve as automatic grounds for divorce and vitiate any monies to which Sen. McCain would otherwise be entitled to under the pre-nuptial agreement he executed at the request of his wife and whether they can enjoin Paris Hilton from calling him the “old, white-haired guy.”

Brighton Makes Landmark Bid

The crack Curling Today reporting team has learned that Brighton, CO has submitted a bid for the Summer 2012 Olympics. The Brighton Olympic Organizing Team (“BOOT”)’s bid, which failed to factor in that London has already been awarded the 2012 Olympics, was premised on the belief that the IOC would like to continue the trend of having the Summer Olympics in cities that begin with the letter “B”. Its slogan is “Brighton, the Beijing of the West.” The head of BOOT admitted he knew nothing about Beijing save for what he learned from “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” four years ago, but figures they can easily outdo the Beijing bid. Initial plans include building the Olympic Stadium around the Eagle Statue/landfill, with the stadium becoming the largest landfill in Colorado after the Olympics. Brighton will also build a sandlot field for baseball, again not realizing that baseball is no longer an Olympic sport. Instead of a swimming pool, the organizers said the Barr Lake will serve as the swimming venue. And the marathon will be run on I-85. No word yet on whether the Blog will serve as the greeter for the Games.

Curling Today Presents . . .

Curling Today welcomes the return of the Olympics although the real Olympics are still 1 ½ years away (CT is happy that the OOC recognizes the primacy of such sporting events as curling over such marginal games as baseball). To help engender interest in the Junior Olympics CT will provide useless trivia throughout the Games. Feel free to use them at cocktail parties to wow your friends.

First off, you may wonder tonight as you watch the taped NBC/CNBC/MSNBC/Oxygen/CCTV banter during the Opening Ceremonies (and it just won’t be the same without Katie Couric there) why the countries are not appearing in alphabetical order following Greece. Apparently the Chinese are ordering the countries based on the amount of strokes it takes to complete the country’s name. The Barcoloungers Association of America has lodged a formal protest over this because you can never know when it is safe to take a bathroom break. Moldova has filed a formal protest as well because they looked forward to being the country during which most toilets were flushed. Brett Favre has filed a protest because he cannot understand why not only did he not make the team but why he is not the flag bearer. But all these protests will fail because a love of stroking, as the great Billy Squier once noted, will trump all. CT will go out on a limb and predict that the flame will be successfully lit by the torch.

If I ever complain . . .

. . . about Denver traffic or weather again -- slap me (this applies to everyone but A Beautiful Disaster who may actually slap me). It has been in the upper 90s in the DC with the usual humidity which means you sweat even when you dream you are in Greenland with Al Gore examining the glacial breakdown. And it took me well over an hour to go from Gaithersburg to Tysons Corner during the afternoon in August! Rush hour here never ends.

A Slow Golden Fox?

When news filtered that the Golden Fox had gotten a speeding ticket from the GVHiPs, I figured that fit in well with the speedy aspect of the "fox" personna. Much to my horror, I discovered that she was pulled over by a cop hiding in the bushes. And her ticket was for going 36 in a 25 mph zone --- DOWNHILL!!! Which means she was probably "cruising" at 15 mph. Perhaps the Golden Fox is actually a Golden Turtle or a Gray Fox. The Golden Fox should relocate to NoBo so that fast South Suburban drivers do not have to slow down . . . in the right lane!

Paris Is Burning . . . Hot!!!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d

By now you must have seen the above video. Consider me back on the Hilton bandwagon (Nicki's too). And a Paris/Rihanna ticket may get me excited about this race.

Where is the Blog?

He is Gone Fishing!!! He will be back soon!