More Fallout on the Spanx/VPL Front

From the WSJ:

Pardon Me, Your Slip Is Not Showing
Petticoats Head for Extinction In Today's Immodest Era; Transparent Looks for FallJuly 24, 2008; Page D6
Bridget Brennan has a drawer full of slips that "are celebrating at least a decade of being stuffed in the back of the same drawer." Ms. Brennan, the 42-year-old founder of Female Factor Corp., a Chicago consulting firm, says the slip has become irrelevant to her life.
When did we give the slip the slip? Once de rigueur, slips have disappeared from our culture to such an extent that when I put in a call to designer Nanette Lepore about them, she told an assistant, "I have never worn a slip in my life."
The slip -- once an all-purpose weapon against visible panty lines and sheer, clingy dresses -- has lost its usefulness for several reasons. One is technological. Thong panties and shape-squeezing Spanx undergarments dispense with unsightly panty lines. But the real truth, I believe, is that the end of slips coincides with a diminished sense of modesty. Our social mores no longer conform to a world where nice girls wear skirts that don't cling.

Dolly

The Blog is happy that Dolly Parton finally had a hurricane named after her – it was long overdue. Unless the hurricane was named after Dolly the cloned sheep.

Fashion Icon

The Blog’s fashion-forwardness was further confirmed the other day. As I was standing in line to get a beer at the Police concert, one guy came up to me and asked me where I got my shirt. He said he was looking for that brand everywhere. My shirt was from FCUK and so indicated on the shirt. Now, dear readers, before you jump to any profane conclusions, FCUK stands for French Connection United Kingdom. I suppose I could have sold him my shirt off my back and then proceeded to either watch the show bare-chested (too-Heavy Metalish) or bought a Police t-shirt. But then I would have ceased to be fashion-forward. Word of advice on proper concert couture. Never wear the shirt of the band whose concert you are attending to the concert (except in very rare and limited circumstances). If you are going to wear a concert t-shirt wear one of a hip band. For instance, I was thinking of wearing my English Beat shirt but thankfully I did not because I saw a couple of other people wearing that one. The same day a colleague told me I smelled like the soap at the Ritz-Carlton; I took that as a compliment, particularly since I have never used the soap at the Ritz save for soap in their lobbies.

Beach Volleyball Signals

Going back to the signals issue, I think the strategic value of such signals pales in comparison to other vital info that could be communicated between the players. For instance, the partner of the player in the orange bikini should have communicated to her that she has a bikini wedgie.

You thought Heath could not separate himself . . .

from his character:

Batman's Christian Bale was arrested in London Tuesday, following assault allegations reportedly made by his own mother and sister.

M&Ms

Apparently now you can put pictures of faces on M&M candy. Something about that sounds inherently wrong.

Spygate and Beach Volleyball

I did not realize that beach volleyball players utilize signals (see pictures). Unlike a catcher’s signals or an offensive coordinator’s charade gestures, these signals are clearly visible to anyone behind the signaler. So how come players don’t place a spy to relay the signals? One could easily see someone sitting at Folsom Field sitting behind one team and recreating the signal. Maybe sign stealing does go on in beach volleyball? Maybe that is why the matches go on forever? Maybe Tom Brady will become a spygater extraordinaire?

The Story Behind HAD

Harisha Appreciation Day has a long, convoluted history. Its origin is not based in any narcissistic qualities on my part – I am an inner narcissist, but I keep it sublimated. Instead, its origin is in a calendar. One of the CD&S workers, lets call her The Retiree, was bemoaning the lack of our traditional ACME calendar. Meanwhile, Grande Roja had returned from a funeral in Chicago bearing calendars. Why, you may ask did she bring a bunch of calendars back from Chicago? Chicago is not known for its calendar; in fact, the calendar there is pretty depressing for half the year; and if it did have a calendar, Obama would want to change it. But GR attended the funeral at a Polish funeral house, and the calendar featured a picture of the late John Paul II instead of the current Pope. So she brought a few back to show them to inquiring minds. The Blog, always looking to help the forlorn, gave The Retiree a calendar. However, she lamented that she could not read anything (talk about looking this gift horse in the mouth); so The Blog wrote in “Harisha Appreciation Day” on one of the days in January which ended up being the 18th. I then said she could celebrate the day on every 18th there creating an identifiable date every month. I then extended the concept to The Retiree’s fellow CD&S workers knowing they would immediately reject the concept. This part was actually quite clever, I must say, because I always try and seek out overtures to CD&S that I will know they will reject because as a crucial part of our contract negotiating team if they say “no” to me, I know they will do the same to our competitors (I later discovered, however, it is mainly just a “no” to me). The only reason HAD has lived on is due to The Blog’s dear friend GR who has enlisted Starbucks and Russell’s in the celebration along with her supplying treats and balloons. So, yes, The Blog is appreciated everywhere except the 10th Floor (this last sentence is mean to elicit tears).

Shark Waters

I have never seen wind impact putts as much as they have at the British Open the last two rounds (The Blog is not a golfer, he just plays one on tv; I am in learning mode, however.) Norman had about 4-5 amazing putts go right over the hole, but not drop. It would be nice to see him win, but Poulter and Harrington stand in the way.

Dance Crew Olympics

As I watch "Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crews 2" I must alert you all to the fact that the Citizen Kane of dance crew movies has just been released on DVD -- yes, I am talking about "Step Up 2 The Streets" -- check it out. Plus check out the Dance Crews on ABDC2 -- one team has a deaf member who has to "feel" the music and another team has a member whose father is in a coma, but apparently is becoming more responsive as the team progresses. By the way, RTD Rider and a A Beautiful Disaster -- hope you are ready for Dance Crew Boot Camp starting Monday.

Thank You DU Law

I had a very enjoyable night (well almost very enjoyable) with the national pastime. It began at the Cru Bar where the man who brought baseball to Denver filled us with tales of all the behind the scenes maneuvering to get the franchise as I sipped some Pinot and munched on fine appetizers. I then ventured to Coors to watch my hapless Pirates continue on their march to 16 years of not making the playoffs (and I ran into the Golden Fox apparently searching for some scotch at Coors). The night was put on by DU Law so I spent the evening with DU alums, staff (including the super-nice Jenny Savage from Alumni Relations), and a couple of soon-to-be 2Ls (I believe their names were Nate and Tim; at any rate, they knew many of our DU interns). Don’t worry DUers, I treated the 2Ls to vintage Coors Light to make up for the fact that I was enjoying this evening on DU’s dime.

Won't Get Fooled Again

I am watching The Who perform Baba O’Reilly on VH1 Honors. Of the Beatles, Stones, and The Who, The Who are by far my favorite. I had the good fortune of seeing them about 12 years ago in DC. At that time, Pete Townsend, the greatest guitarist ever, could only play an acoustic guitar because of his hearing, but even with that, I have never heard a guitar fill an arena so completely. True legends even without Entwhistle and Moon. On Monday night, I am seeing two more legendary acts – The Police and Elvis Costello. I saw the Police from the 12th floor of the Pepsi Center last year. The show was entirely their hits – no filler at all.

And hopefully our generation "WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN".

What is Hip?

I know Golden Fox thinks she is pretty fly for a white girl with Warren G on her 1st generation iPhone, but alas she can never be as dope as The Blog. They don’t call me Almost-Slim Almost-Thug for nothing. My dopeness extends to the spawn of my siblings. My nephew works for a PR company in Chicago and among their accounts is Courvosier. As those of you in "the know"know, high-end alcohol brands have become the official juice of hip-hop artists. As a result my nephew has been polaroided with many a star. Here are two such pictures. One with Lupe Fiasco – the future of the genre. The other celeb is one you will surely recognize.

Random Thoughts

There are some who may contend that all my thoughts are random . . .

1. I have discovered another person who voluntarily entered Amish territory – Friend of To Be Determined (hereinafter referred to as “FOTBD”). Apparently after Harrison Ford solved the case in Witness he remained with the Amish and started a non-denominational school there. FOTBD attended that school and became one of the foremost scholars on George Lucas movies.

2. I am contemplating taking an exotic weekend trip on a whim – to Castle Rock. I wonder if I can find a private helicopter that will land right on the rock itself.

3. On this week’s “Brooke Knows Best” – Brooke’s mother (hereinafter referred to as “The Estranged Mrs. Hulk”) makes her first visit to Brooke’s pad in South Beach. Brooke impresses The Estranged Mrs. Hulk by telling her the water in the hot tub changes colors. The Estranged Mrs. Hulk discovers a condom in the hot tub. She is no longer impressed. [I am not making this up.]

4. Golden Fox (her alias was selected in the Blog’s first, and perhaps last, Naming Rights to Alias contest) is attempting to make GV the next LoDo. She needs to convince Brooke and the other Hogans to move to GV.

5. One of my other fantasy careers is to be a tv writer/producer. My first project – The Creek – featuring a much inferior creek to Dawson’s one. The show will center around two viola players competing to be the Prom Queen. One has carpal tunnel syndrome; the other suffers headaches from being hit in the head with a field hockey stick. In addition to the high school, the kids hang out at the Panera and/or the middle of the Whole Foods parking lot. One episode will be shot live and deal with the profound implications of the Panera running out of croissants.

6. I hope Serena Mesopotamia, oops, I mean Serena Algeria brings back some moonshine from her vacation in Arkansas. Heck, I hope she brings back an entire still. The only moonshine you can get around in these parts is in Brighton, and let me just tell you those people in Wyoming don’t know how to make moonshine.

Big Brother 10

I caught the tail end of tonight's episode and discovered that one of the housemates is named "Libra". It made me sad that my parents never thought about naming me after a sign of the Zodiac.

My Tiara

Today was a very special day for me. One of the ACME interns, To Be Determined (that is her interim name because the selection of her alias will likely make the 2008 Presidential campaign seem like a fleeting moment), presented me with my very own handmade tiara. My inner princess marveled at the craftsmanship which reflected proudly on the Cherry Creek School District Arts and Crafts curriculum. I will treasure my tiara/wristband for as long as the Scotch tape holds the paper together.

Rabbit Redux

I hate to dwell on this subject, but I can’t help it – I am a dweller. We need to stage an intervention with rabbits. If they keep breeding at this rate, particularly in my neighborhood, they will reach the tipping point for their species. They need to practice safe sex or abstinence. Isn’t there a Planned Parenthood or Moral Majority for rabbits? I used to think they were cute (not cute enough that I would forego eating them, particularly in a hot dog bun), but now they are getting to be a menace. There will be unfortunate repercussions. Soon Bugs Bunny will be fired from Loony Tunes. The Easter Rabbit will be replaced by the Easter Prairie Dog. For those of you with kids do not allow them to get too attached to rabbits.

On Tiaras

One of the clubs in LoDo is having a “Tiara Night” (a Kevlar Night might be more apt). Before we bemoan the further decay of civilization represented by such an event or fear a return to the “Greed is Good” 80s, let us think of the many positives of such a night. Obviously the tiara industry must be very happy. There are potential synergies with “My SuperSweet 16.” It is a fashion-forward statement as opposed to baseball caps sported by non-baseball playing individuals. It may put us on a course to a constitutional monarchy so that we too can follow the trials and tribulations of a dysfunctional royal family (for instance, The Hogans would make for a grand royal line as would The Osbournes or Reverend Run’s family). But most importantly, our beauty queens need practice. For the past two years, our Miss Universe contestants have fallen onstage. Forget Iraq, gas prices, mortgage crisis – this is perhaps the biggest challenge facing our nation today. We need our beauty queens to remain perpendicular with the floor; it is much easier for judges to view them that way. And who knows, perhaps we can get back on the winning track and restock the supply of women for John Mayer and Lance Armstrong to date.

Putting your child on the path to be a surgeon

Dr. Michael DeBakey, who some regard as the best surgeon ever, died the other day. He credited his mother for teaching him one of his most vital skills – the ability to sew.

All Apologies

Curling Today apologizes to Christie Brinkley for wrongly assuming that the reason for Peter Cook’s unforgivable straying was that somehow she quashed the flames of romance/desire. Apparently he was the one, and she even tried to make herself look more attractive for him (hard to improve on relative perfection I say). And he has a pattern of hiring 18-19 year old interns. Kudos to Christie for leveraging a public airing of his misdeeds into a lucrative settlement. She should become a lawyer; she certainly looked the part (and more) in those business suits.

Beach Volleyball Sans Beach

As I watch the finals of the AVP Crocs Slam – Chicago held in that tropical beach location that is Grant Park, I cannot help but wonder can you truly have beach volleyball without a beach? Since the last tour stop was in Folsom Field in Boulder, I guess you technically can, and thankfully the combatants still wear two piece bikinis. But it just doesn’t seem the same without them running into the surf after a win, and then emerging from the surf a la a scene from a Bond movie. Perhaps they should make that part of the trophy presentation, but then I guess they would need to find an actual beach, and if they emerged from Lake Chicago they may be coated with some debris. Next tour stop – Brooklyn!

Planes, Buggies and Automobiles

Anyone who has even glimpsed a page of “1001 Places to Visit Before You Die” knows what an incomplete feeling it leaves you with knowing that the task is so daunting that one would be lucky to visit ten of those places. To make the task somewhat easier, I will identify some places you should not visit before you die:

The Amish Country – One of my colleagues, Obama Girl, mentioned that her parents used to take them to the Amish Country on their vacations. Other than Harrison Ford, and M.Night Shayalman, I had not heard of anyone venturing into Amish country of their own volition.

Arkansas – Another colleague, Serena Egypt, ooops, I mean Serena Algeria, is spending her vacation in Arkansas because apparently that was a neutral location in the middle for various members of their clan. Moldova may be a neutral location in the middle for residents of Austria, Russia and Cyprus, but that does not mean anyone would go vacation there. One should wipe any state of the list that is too lazy to come up with an original state name and instead simply slaps on two letters in front of another state’s name.

The Bathroom Right When Your Daughter Is About to Throw Up – Yes, my dear readers, Dagwood was at it again. On their sojourn to Europe, Dagwood’s 5 year old daughter was sick and poised to vomit. Dagwood, of course, entered the bathroom and locked the door so when his daughter commenced throwing up she was relegated to the hallway and threw up all over a white rug. What Dagwood was doing in the bathroom at 2 am in the morning one dares not surmise.

Brighton – For those unaware of Brighton, I am not referring to the lovely coastal town in the UK. No this Brighton is somewhere near the border of Wyoming (in fact, I suspect it was actually blown into Wyoming after a particularly fierce windstorm). Other than being the town in which A Beautiful Disaster lives, Brighton can only boast of 1) a statue of an eagle on a landfill disguised as a landscaped hill; and 2) a convenience store/gas station called Kum and Go (yes, that is the spelling) that somehow sells gas 20-30 cents cheaper per gallon than any other gas station in the state.

Hudson – Because according to A Beautiful Disaster, Hudson is the Gary, Indiana to Brighton’s Chicago.

NoBo (“North of Boulder”) – They are cruel to prairie dogs there; actually only one resident is cruel to those cute creatures.

Recipe for Disaster

The latest version of Big Brother will feature, among others, a 75 year old man, a Hooters waitress, a Catholic school teacher, and a rider in a gay rodeo. The various permutations of hook ups are staggering; the odds of the 75 year old man surviving are not.

The Blog Acquires Curling Today

The Blog today acquired Curling Today, a magazine that chronicles all that is hip including the exciting, challenging, sizzling sport of curling (just under two more years to go for the next Olympics curling competition). The acquisition will enable the Blog to continue to be the pacesetter on such stories as the ARod/Madonna/CynthiaRod/Lenny/Guy love pentagon. For instance, CT learned that Madonna's music was the casue of ARod turning to the Kabbalah and renouncing his marriage. There may be some truth to this because I too am a Madonna fan who finds myself strangely pulled towards the Kabbalah. Check that, I am actually strangely pulled towards shish kebabs. But who knew that "4 Minutes to Save the World" actually related to the Final Countdown? But we must hand it to CynthiaRod who astutely quelled her feelings of abandonment by seeking comfort from Lenny Kravitz. Yes, the same Lenny Kravitz whose average relationship lasts 2.3 weeks. And poor Guy Ricthie who wants to continue living in London; understandably so since Madonna's music only attracts Elton John across the pond. But imagine the possibilities an ARod/Madonna coupling could bring. Together they could buy out the Steinbrenners and Madonna could be the Evita of the Major Leagues -- "Don't cry for me borough of the Bronx . . . " But seriously, what is next? Troy Tulowitzki falling for Miley Cyrus? Perhaps Clint Hurdle could fall for Hannah Montana and then there could be a Love Square that is really a triangle.

Pigeons are Stupid; So are Rabbits

The other day I was cruising down Broadway (ok you really can't cruise down Broadway) when suddenly this school of pigeons takes off from Civic Center Park. The problem is their trajectory takes the form of a prop plane overloaded with cargo. Suddenly I hear a "thump". A few blocks later I pull into a gas station and do see some bird-esque remnants. Unless that bird was on a suicide bomber mission against humanity, I can only surmise that it failed flight school.

Then a couple of days later a rabbit begins a jaubt across the road just as I am approaching. I slow down and move to avoid it, but the rabbit engages in no such collision-avoiding mode. Instead it picks up speed right in the direction of my front wheel. Now I do not know how this story ends, because there was a car right behind me so I could not stop and look back. But given its survival instincts I think it may be in bunny heaven right now (and I am not talking about Hef's Pad).

DC is Alive with the Sound of Music

As many of you know, The Blog has many grandiose ideas percolating his mind: dance crews, dance club owner, dj, MTV Programming Director, Real World psychotherapist, Dr. Phil with a full head of hair, to be a member of Denmark’s Supreme Court, a Phil Spector-esque Svengali to Scarlet Johanson (without the armaments and without the scary hairdos), etc. The latest is a musical, Nonlegally Blonde, which is the story of the NonBlonde Elle (“NBE”) who snags a coveted internship at the Google Commission (given the huge budget deficit, the government has started selling naming rights to its regulatory agencies; Google also offered the ability to ensure that no government document could ever pop up on a Google search, and therefore not exist). NBE entered the humid environs of DC filled with intelligent, fresh ideas, but soon found that such ideas wither in the sweltering heat of DC. After all, DC invented recycling with ideas repackaged as “change” and “hope” and “Marion Barry”. So despondent Elle retreats to an idyllic ride in a Potomac paddle boat, and happens upon stranded paddleboat passengers. NBE navigates them back to shore, against the raging Potomac current, and avoiding the trash thrown into the river by Nationals fans, but then accidentally plunges into the Potomac. She makes it back to shore by clinging to a floating tire and finds that the plunge cleanses her of her GOPness and she now sees the Jeffersonian light. She soon realizes, however, that even being an enlightened Democrat does not lead to any more effectiveness in DC so she returns home to her beloved Colorado and buys Bronco season tickets which include a ticket to ObamaFest 2008 at Invesco.

This musical will debut at the Lone Tree Center for the Cultural Arts (as soon as it is built) with tour stops at the Park Meadows Fountain and the Lakewood Lake.

Iraq Revisited?

WASHINGTON (AP) -- U.S. exports to Iran -- including brassieres, bull semen, cosmetics and possibly even weapons -- grew more than tenfold during President Bush's years in office even as he accused Iran of nuclear ambitions and helping terrorists.

This story raises many concerns. One, why is CNN using the term "brassieres"? Have we reverted to the Victorian era? Maybe they view Obamaian change as a reactionary movement? More importantly, will the "brassieres" perpetuate VBL? In which case, will this create an East/West divide that will move us further from the "Can't we all just get along?" point. Should we export Victoria's Secret thongs? Would a flying faux jewel lead to warfare? Second, why does Iran need bull semen? Are all their bulls impotent? Is bull semen a WMD? Is it a substitute for plutonium? Third, what is the use of cosmetics if 97% of the female body is covered? Is it all eye liner and eye shadow? Or are men big into cosmetics there? Omar Sharif did seem to have artificially enhanced eyebrows. Fourth, is this helping reduce our trade deficit? If so, should we export WalMart there?

Our Human Footprint

As I spent the past weekend packing to move to an apartment from my current town house and as I sort through all the items still in my possession from my residence in houses all over 3,000 square feet, and further reflecting on articles I read in my Catholic Social Justice program over the past year, I cannot help but ask -- how much space do we actually need? At its height, my family numbered three people -- did we need 1,000 square feet per person particularly when one of the persons is not even in 1st Grade. The simple and obvious answer is no. Sure, for the sake of sanity it is nice to escape to another room or floor, but as many of us know that is never a surefire means of escape (nor is the pretending we can't hear method). On the news today, there was a story of a family of four (2 parents, 2 teens) who sold their mini-mansion that many of us suburbanites have or had for a simple house that met their needs and nothing more. They took the $1 million left over from the transfer and donated it to funds to aid the hungry in Africa. While my downsizing is more a factor of the rising costs of supporting two households, there is also a rational appeal to it. I do not need to live in a town house. An apartment will suit me just fine. While not as large a step as the one the family took, it is a step towards proper allocation of resources in our world. These mythic mansions were built on unsubstantiated valuations and not in the value of the "brick and mortar". The wealth it portrayed was as flimsy as the drywall within. You can't take the house with you to the next world; you can take your conscience, however. And if Al Gore truly believes in substantive change for our environment, Tipper, Al Jr. and he need to make the same bold and courageous move that the one family did. I have come to realize that he is a hypocrite until he does.

Worthy of a Future Judge?

Very interesting article about a pending judicial nominee.

http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/895477/30964886

I Was Assaulted By Dinger

Last night, as I was exiting Coors Field after viewing yet another pathetic Rockies performance, Dinger (note: I am not changing his name to protect the innocent) was walking in. A couple of kids in front of me raised their hands and Dinger high-fived him. I refused to raise my hand and commenced walking past him while his hand was still raised. He then proceeded to give me a pat on the back (I will term it a "vicious slap" in my complaint). Perhaps he recognized me from his "appearance" in the 1801 Lobby/Plaza (yes, there is no depths to which he will not sink). At any rate, I will sue him and the Rockies for a lifetime supply of Blue Moon or an ownership interest in the team.